Friday, August 6, 2010

about last month ..

i am on my way back.. it just seems like a long road .. thank you all for all the nice things you have said and the words of encouragement .. i apologize for neglecting you .. i know you understand that somewhere i just needed some time .. i knew a year ago that Sister was not long for this world .. her body had been fighting since she was 16 .. that's a long fight, especially when even the doctors can't tell you what exactly is wrong with you .. up until 2 weeks prior her doctors were all saying she was doing great, then it was as if one day she went to sleep and the next day they were saying her liver was shutting down .. they called it NASH .. from her diabetes and all the antibiotics she has/had taken throughout her life ..the massive amounts of painkillers .. at 16 she became addicted to morphine while hospitalized .. she was pulled from a horse and landed stomach first onto a tree stump .. she was hospitalized for 15 months in the late summer of 1969...our father was in the hospital with a heart attack and our mother had to ask friends to care for the remaining 4 of us (there were only 5 kids at that time - we grew to 6).. it's an odd feeling seeing your sisters face on a jar in the grocery store begging for money to help with hospital costs .. the whispers of well meaning neighbors .. "she's not expected to live" - "and her father is near death" .. she never was able to have children .. though she did adopt a son ..and after leaving the hospital she conquered her addiction to painkillers, though every trip to the hospital was a fight for her as the doctors ordered more and more painkillers in higher and higher doses .. finally the last 3 months of her life she said 'enough' .. i don't know where she found the strength, but she and her husband worked together and she was able to deal with her pain without drugs .. she was making weekly, often bi-weekly trips to the ER and she loved loudly telling the nurses and doctors .. do what you need to, but no narcotics ..
i could sit here and tell you what a wonderful loving sister she was.. how she had always just been 'Sister' - Aunt Sister, Sister Momma .. how she would pretend to not like children, but we all knew she loved children .. it was just the mask of the pain of not being able to give birth .. how when our parents passed, she would enjoy telling us she wasn't our mother, yet was always there with a stern warning of advice every thanksgiving she would spend weeks preparing and planning a family get-to-gether and then after thanksgiving meal would proclaim she wasn't doing it again next year .. only to begin planning halloween night .. how she would open her home to anyone in need .. how she went to work as a cook at a boys ranch and became the confidant and mother confessor to boys who seemed to have lost their way .. and became momma joyce ..
because the last year she spent so much time in and out of the hospital, i have to remind myself daily that she really is gone .. she is not coming back .. i keep thinking i need to stop and go visit her or call her at the hospital .. i keep thinking she will be home tomorrow .. but she won't ..
i spent the last week spending the nights with her in the hospital .. the doctors had convinced her to accept the painkillers, as they would make her more comfortable .. so i sat with her and watched her sleep and texted postings to facebook for family on updates of her health .. and my thoughts ..

"fear of the sound of silence heard above the laughter and tears. the sharing of memories, the love of brothers and sisters .. family. for those who wonder, a new day begins much the same as the previous. prayers for Gods will and a peaceful journey. we love you, sister..."

"where you been? from the lips of a sleeper can jar the senses and chill the soul of a watcher when mumbled in the darkness of the unknown... peace to all the sleeptalkers and watchers... live the love..hold the light high.. smiles"

"conversations with sleep talkers. as if standing in the wings watching memories unfold. startling. raw. funny. filled with love and light. gifts from god. gratitude fills me. .... love for all."

"when the voices of the past whisper in your heart late in the night, sometimes the only thing you can do is listen.... i love you all"

"i already miss her so much .. the love and care for her has become such a routine .. a part of me .. not sure i can make it through this .. i miss her so much just putting one foot in front of the other seems an almost impossible feat .. what will i do?"

so i thought i was doing ok .. moving along .. getting by .. i was checking the tv for some lighthearted funny show .. and i come across a movie 'the invention of lying' with ricky gervais .. who i have always gotten a good laugh from .. so it's cute, it's fun and then .. boom .. there is a scene where he is talking to his mother, who is in a hospital dying ... and he begins to tell her what heaven is like .. and i feel a tear .. and then i can't stop crying .. every thing he tells his mother sounds like something i told sister in those last days .. and i feel rod holding me and feel this tremendous release of emotion .. knowing that everything is ok.. knowing that she is no longer in pain .. knowing that she is in the arms of God .. and knowing that i will see her again one day ..

'where you go when you die', from the invention of lying

i love you, all



  1. I can tell you loved your sister so and were so close, I'm not sure what to say other than if need someone to talk to, I'm here. I still grieve for family that have been long gone and as I did my post today it reminded me so of my uncle that I loved more than anything. I think you always long for those that are gone and certain things will always remind you of them. So glad to have great memories to help us along this path.

  2. I don't know if I told you this before, but it bears repeating. It's something I read a few years back when we lost one of our best friends and it helped me. Hopefully it will you too.
    "The pain and hurt are the reminders of how much we loved and how much we were loved." Even now when the memories come back (like at his daughter's wedding last month), I smile thru the tears because I know he loved us and we sure loved him (and still do).

  3. I am so relieved to see this post.
    I knew why you hadn't been blogging of late, but the selfish side of me just wanted to hear that you were ok.

    And I know that you don't just wake up one morning and have everything be magically better, grief is a process. It takes as long as it takes, and the best thing for you right now is just to let you navigate your way through it in your own time.

    But if you need a chat or a diversion, please just know that I'm here. Not a time goes by that I log on to yahoo that I don't look to see if you are online, too.

    Praying for you,

  4. Dear Troy:
    How sad I was to read of your sister's passing. I'll pray the God will comfort you in your grief, and support you in his loving arms until your heart heals and you're left with all your sweet memories of your sister.

    Sending warm, loving hugs to you, my friend.

  5. Perhaps my timing is way off, but I just wanted to remark that I take in your fine prose as much as your visual art.

  6. Troy I am glad you are able to write this and let us know the love you have for your sister. I know you are grieving and part of you will never be the same, but at least you had her in your life. God Bless you.